Parental Control;
When giving advice for parents, I think first it's important to note that there is a difference
between boundaries and control. As a parent you have to have boundaries for your child.
But what you must accept if your influence has diminished with your child is that the more
controlled your kids feel, the more they are going to fight you. This is not because they are
evil, it is a natural impetus of maturing. It simply isn't in the human condition to feel
powerless or manipulated and not resist. Relinquish the control aspect of your parenting
immediately. Introduce freedom with consequences.
If your teen is at the state where they seem to be very "out of control", Get your mind in
gear with this idea and give your kid a speech along the lines of this.
You are free to go to your friends house and wear that gothic outfit if you wish and I will
empower you to take more control of your own life. You will not however endanger your life
or anyone else's or I will intervene. You are now responsible for all your actions and
consequences, be that at school or with the law. You are on your on with any trouble you
get into. I love you so much, and there are a lot of things you do that I can not accept right
now, but you are my child and I will always accept you. You want responsibility for your own
actions, and your own life and I understand that now. And maybe I should not have tried to
keep you under so much control as I have.
When giving advice for parents, I think first it's important to note that there is a difference
between boundaries and control. As a parent you have to have boundaries for your child.
But what you must accept if your influence has diminished with your child is that the more
controlled your kids feel, the more they are going to fight you. This is not because they are
evil, it is a natural impetus of maturing. It simply isn't in the human condition to feel
powerless or manipulated and not resist. Relinquish the control aspect of your parenting
immediately. Introduce freedom with consequences.
If your teen is at the state where they seem to be very "out of control", Get your mind in
gear with this idea and give your kid a speech along the lines of this.
You are free to go to your friends house and wear that gothic outfit if you wish and I will
empower you to take more control of your own life. You will not however endanger your life
or anyone else's or I will intervene. You are now responsible for all your actions and
consequences, be that at school or with the law. You are on your on with any trouble you
get into. I love you so much, and there are a lot of things you do that I can not accept right
now, but you are my child and I will always accept you. You want responsibility for your own
actions, and your own life and I understand that now. And maybe I should not have tried to
keep you under so much control as I have.
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I am going to give you your freedom now. There will still be some boundaries so that I can
assure your safety. We wont fight about these boundaries, we will just do them. I want you
to make me proud of you. I'm sure you will make some mistakes, and if you do, the
consequences will fall on your shoulders, not mine. I'm not doing this because I'm giving up
on you, I'm doing this because I love you so much that I want you to have the freedom I know
you need.
As a parent if that idea makes your skin crawl, then maybe you should re evaluate how well
the idea of attempting total control has been working for you. The bottom line is that
parents learn best how to parent after their kids are all grown up. And part of that lesson
most all parents learn in the grandparent phase is that trying to control a child is only
counter productive. Some kids will smoke a little pot. Some kids will wear the craziest
clothes that we parents just cant stand. Some kids have friends that we parents don't even
want to be seen with.
You have to let go of the idea of what you thought your child would be, of who you thought
they would be. BIG SURPRISE ... They have their own personality and it has nothing to do
with your genetics or how your parents raised you. Let them experiment with who they are
with their music, their clothes and even their friends. If you don't, then you are going to
have an 18 year old who hasn't sorted these things out yet, and now has a huge attitude
towards any authority figures, and maybe rightly so.
I understand that if you are reading this, you have an already difficult situation and you are
looking for suggestions on how to improve this. This means you need to be open to other
perspectives and possibilities. Whatever your teen is doing to seem out of control, I would
ask you to reflect on your own actions and or perhaps over-reactions as you may also seem
out of control?
Take back your power as a parent, and stop all confrontations. Confrontations simply
escalate the already tense and difficult situation. You can parent without confrontations. As
my father used to say, have a grip of steal and a touch of velvet.
By Tony Hanes; Author, Inventor, Spiritual Teacher Author; Baboo Says - a Life Manual for Kids Inventor; Trimmer Assist |
Children and Families